Ask any married couple what they disagree about most and there likely isn’t enough space here to print the long list that might follow. Some might quibble about how to load the dishwasher while others find fault in leaving dirty socks on the floor. Others feel their spouse doesn’t pull their weight when it comes to childrearing, or focuses too much on a hobby to the detriment of the relationship.
Then ask a licensed marriage and family therapist about these arguments and they’re quick to identify which could be cause for alarm.
“It is normal for disagreements to exist in any relationship, and it is important to consider the patterns of behavior that may impact a relationship over time,” says Anna Nguyen, MA, LMFT, program manager of Behavioral Health & Primary Care Integration for Providence in Orange County, Calif. “With disagreements, it is important to examine the patterns of behavior and how often these patterns are occurring.”
Though there is no surefire way divorce-proof your marriage, therapists say to be aware of certain disagreements that could spell trouble.
It’s the rare spouse that will arrive home having purchased a new, never-been-discussed car. There are plenty, however, that may spend a little too much or fail to save as agreed.
“Money conversations often lead to major tension,” says Andie Hollowell, LMFT, chief growth officer at Lightfully Behavioral Health. “Couples often clash over finances because money represents more than just dollars and cents. It can symbolize security, power, and even love. One partner might be a saver, squirreling away every dollar like acorns for a long winter ahead, while the other spends like it’s going out of style. These differences can create a war of the wallets that’s tough to resolve on your own.”
According to Fidelity’s 2024 Couples & Money Study, about 25% of respondents resent being left out of financial decisions. More than half disagree on how much money they need for retirement, and 45% of partners say they argue about money at least occasionally.
“The disagreements that arise in couples tend to be related to one of two things: perceived neglect or perceived lack of control,” says Katherine M. Hertlein, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Professor at Wright State University. “Quite often couples might argue about the same thing, but the meaning of it can be different. For example, in one relationship, one partner may feel like the money issues stem from perceived neglect and the other partner may feel like the money issue stem from perceived lack of control.”
Many dating couples discuss whether and when they want to start a family, but few talk about what it will be like when they actually begin to raise kids.
“Parenting styles are sometimes mismatched in marriages,” says Hollowell. “One partner takes on the role of the ‘fun parent,’ while the other ends up enforcing the rules as the ‘strict parent.’ Couples can disagree on discipline, education, or even screentime limits while rearing kids. These conflicts occur because parenting taps into our core beliefs and values, influenced heavily by our own upbringing. Without guidance, these disagreements can escalate, leading to patterns that not only exhaust parents, but also confuse kids.”
Nguyen says this falls into the “values and beliefs” bucket.
“When two people have different beliefs on important topics, it may cause a conflict that may feel like a ‘win-lose’ situation,” she says. “For example, ‘This is how I believe our children should be raised and I don’t agree with your style of discipline’ which translates on a deeper level to, ‘I am right and you are wrong.’
Leaving a load of laundry unfolded. Forgetting to get the mail from the box on the way home from work. Using the treadmill as a clothes hanger.
Even the most even-keeled spouse might erupt at these habits. If that’s you, and you fold insults into your argument for change, Nguyen says that’s cause for concern.
“Disagreements that are targeted toward attacking a person’s sense of self and/or values are considered red flags,” she says. “This may arise due to underlying frustration stacking up over time that is not being communicated. For example, an unhealthy response that attacks one’s sense of self can look like, ‘You always leave your clothes on the floor. You are so sloppy and inconsiderate! You’re just a terrible person!’ Whereas, a healthy behavior-focused response may look like, ‘I’ve noticed your clothes are on the floor. I would like to ask you to pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper every evening.’ The difference is behavioral patterns can be changed, and when someone is attacked for who they are, the hurt may resonate on a deeper level.”
In many marriages, household debates can sorted with compassion and agreement. Others take a bit more work to resolve, and may require the help of an experienced couples therapist.
“One piece of advice I give couples is that they need to get clarity on what it is that they’re trying to communicate when they take a certain position on a topic,” says Hertlein. “Once couples are able to see that each of their positions on a particular topic are informed by the same theme, either perceive neglect or perceive lack of control, then they’re able to catch themselves in arguments a little bit sooner.”
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This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
