(Editor’s note: Matthew is not available today, as he is recovering in hospital from the side effects of a radioactive spider bite. He will return to this blog as soon as he can figure out how to stop sticking to the ceiling. In his place we present the weekly horoscope by guest astrologer A. Damp Drivel. Drivel has over 20 years of experience in taking people’s money, is an enthusiastic participant in competitive jet ski racing, and has a degree in Pseudo Intellectualism from Wikipedia University. Get well soon Matthew!)
The week begins with Moon conjunct Mercury in Sagittarius. This is a similar astrological condition to late 1896, when Svante Arrhenius became the first scientist to deliver objective data about how carbon dioxide in the atmosphere can create a greenhouse effect. Since every climatologist I follow on social media has conclusively proven that climate change is a hoax perpetuated by Democrats and child traffickers, I confidently predict an unusually cool and rainy January in and around the Los Angeles area. This aspect also makes it an excellent time to sign up for a yearly membership to my video/social media/outdated dance music social platform, HighOnVibes.TV.
Mars is in retrograde and backs up from Leo into Cancer this week. This is a similar condition to when the Soviet satellite Cosmos 954 burned up in Earth’s atmosphere scattering radioactive debris over Canada’s Northwest territories. This will result in me repeating without question everything Fox News says about Justin Trudeau, which has made me an expert in Canadian Political Science. More to come on both my Instagram account and my astrology/news/floor wax platform, HighOnVibes.TV.
Finally, the other big aspect happening this week is Mercury square Neptune. This aspect was in effect when John F Kennedy made his famous “we choose to go to the Moon” speech. I therefore predict that this week Robert F Kennedy Jr will make a very important announcement proving that vaccines are all some kind of Commie plot. I myself will continue to encourage healthy natural immunity by rolling myself, my wife, and small child in avian flu-infected chicken excrement. For more details, ask about a monthly or yearly membership at my new age/historical analysis/polio ward, HighOnVibes.TV.