If you were to stack up every parenting book ever written, the tower of how-to and what-to-do manuals would likely stretch well beyond the clouds. Raising a kid is a monumental job that generates thousands of questions for those entrusted with the task. But the question often at the core of all the others is: Am I doing a good job?
Here’s the reassuring news: For the overwhelming majority of parents (who offer basic human needs for their children like food, shelter, and medical care)—especially those who are asking this question in the first place—the answer is most likely yes.
“I always go back to one of my favorite quotes from [NYU developmental and community psychologist] Hiro Yoshikawa, which is ‘The magic of human development is that there are very few experiences that do a child to ruin,’” says Terri Sabol, associate professor in human development and social policy at Northwestern University.
Of course, the goal for most parents isn’t just not to ruin children, it’s to help them thrive. And although that towering stack of books makes it seem like you need a PhD in parenting to do it “right,” good parenting actually boils down to a few simple core elements.
“The evidence-based answer, coming from 40 or 50 years of research, is that what all kids need are both warmth and limits,” says Eileen Kennedy-Moore, psychologist and author of Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem. “And one without the other isn’t going to cut it.”
This long-held theory comes from the work of clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, who identified four quadrants of parenting styles—authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful—and studied the ways each style affected child development.
Loosely, you can think of each parenting style within the warmth plus limits framework: Authoritarian parenting is heavy on limits and scarce on warmth. Permissive parenting avoids limits in favor of the child’s wishes. Authoritative parenting has an equal dose of the two. Neglectful parenting has neither. Overwhelmingly, Baumrind’s research shows that the balanced authoritative approach wins when it comes to healthy human development.
This balance plays out differently within every family, and also between each parent/child pair within a family. “Warmth” will look one way for you, and another way for a parent/child combo of another culture, temperament, or context.
““It all goes back to that golden quadrant of warmth and control,” says Sabol. “We think that there’s this ‘perfect parenting,’ but actually it’s just a matter of being warm but also firm.”
So what does it look like to parent from that “golden quadrant?” Here are some solid ways to lead with love while setting limits, according to experts.
Dr. Brenna Hicks, registered play therapist, licensed mental health counselor, and host of the Play Therapy Parenting podcast says when you invest in your relationship with your child through unconditional love and acceptance, everything else will flow from there.
“If they know even at their worst—whether they’re angry and yelling, or upset, or disobedient—that you will not change the relationship you have with them, that’s a huge motivator for them to behave in self-enhancing ways and to self-actualize,” says Hicks.
This doesn’t mean you give them carte blanche to behave however they want, Hicks clarifies. Instead it gives you guidance as you create limits and boundaries.
“A child has the right to be angry or upset, and they have the right to express those feelings, but sometimes behaviors are inappropriate,” says Hicks. “So we set limits when they’re needed.”
Choose structures that uphold the long-term preservation of your relationship. That may look like walking away, or giving yourself a five-minute break in the bathroom, she says. Or offering a hug and saying nothing.
Another helpful way to keep your relationship at the center is to look toward the future: Imagine your kids as fully functional older adults who have just been asked what you were like as a parent during their childhood, says Hicks. What do you want their answer to be?
“It’s a wake-up call,” she says. “Whether you want them to say you were patient, or forgiving, or gracious, figure out what’s important to you and create that in the relationship you have right now.”
As the saying goes, if you parent well, you eventually put yourself out of a job. And to instill self-sufficiency as they grow into adulthood, you have to first support a child’s sense of self, says Dr. Emily Edlynn, clinical psychologist and author of Autonomy Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children.
“It means tuning in to who your child is, what ignites them and excites them, and supporting that, rather than imposing your own idea of who they should be,” Edlynn says.
When a child feels like they can be all of who they are around you, you’ll see signs. For example, they’ll be more likely to open up to you about choices they regret.
“If they’re willing to come to you and say, ‘I just embarrassed myself,’ or ‘I made a big mistake,’ that shows they know you’re going to love and accept them for who they are without judgment,” says Edlynn. “Through your relationship with them and how you treat them, you are nurturing that sense of autonomy. They are free to explore their identity and they feel more confident in their abilities.”
No one behavior is going to decide what kind of parent you are, says Kennedy-Moore. Most parents swing from authoritarian to permissive to authoritative parenting and back, sometimes several times in a day. What really matters is the overall balance.
When you parent in a way you wish you could redo, use it as an opportunity to show your child how to repair.
“Our screw-ups are also part of teaching kids how to be in relationships,” says Kennedy-Moore. “What do you do when you’re angry with someone? What do you do when you’re feeling guilty about something? It shows them the tenderness that we hope that they will have, the empathy that we hope that they will learn and cultivate. Love means trying again.”
Parenting-related stress is at an all-time high, according to the U.S. Surgeon General, who in August 2024 released a Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents citing worry about kids’ health and safety, financial concerns, navigating technology and social media, and a youth mental health crisis among the reasons for this increased burden. Unsurprisingly, tense parents have a harder time accessing the tools they need to parent well.
“Developmental science shows that when parents are stressed, it is more challenging for them to have healthy relationships,” says Sabol. “The pressure on parents to be perfect is in some ways actually negating the very thing that they’re seeking to do.”
If you’re finding it hard to keep that healthy balance of warmth and limits in your parenting, check in on yourself first. Call on your reserves, take a break, take a walk, take a nap. Most of all, give yourself grace.
“Parenting is hard,” says Sabol. “There’s no such thing as a perfect parent.”
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This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
